Grief

How does a person deal with the loss of a child? I can't breathe thinking of it. We are all given the strength we need I suppose for what life hands us but I don't know how I would survive. I look at pictures of my boys minutes after their birth and remember my love was already overwhelming. I look at them now and love them so furiously (even when I am, well, furious).

GRIEF:

Emotional response to an external and consciously recognized loss; self-limiting and gradually subsiding within a reasonable length of time.
www.dphilpotlaw.com/html/glossary.html

This definition seems really stupid. Self limiting? When a hole gets shot through your heart, of course its limiting! Fuck.

M is alive but won't wake up again. He was a sweet, smart, funny, beautiful boy. He still is but now all is quiet. I guess all that is left is to remember his 12 years and to stay with the living. And to keep breathing. Breathe by breathe. This is the time for me to create prayer of any sort. Religious or not.

This past week while waiting to hear more news...I began to run again. Someone suggested the treadmill, how stupid. I needed to be outside. I needed to be in the big world of trees and sky. In fact, I ran through condos and shopping centers but...still, the sky and trees poked through. I am reminded that the world is so much bigger than me and that I have no control over any of it.