A prayer

I hear bad news and I don't know exactly what to do with it. I guess that's where religion comes in for most other people. I'm not so religious. I like to say I am a spiritual person but when it comes to crisis I have to admit, I don't know where to go with my feeling of helplessness.

My friend's son is very ill. I can't imagine what it would be like to have one of my children in ICU not knowing whether or not he will wake or ultimately be...OK. How to reach out and help? There is not much I can do but send love by phone or email or, if I ever get home again, in person. I find myself praying. For this boy. For this family. For my family.

I am an awkward pray-er. I'm a fair weather believer of sorts. I am desperate for hope and faith. I am filled with guilt for not being there all along and now when its critical, I realize how little support I have given along the way. Alternatively, I know that I am filled up with my own life and taking care of my family, but still. I have guilt and sadness today.

Last night, I'm told, Aiden woke up screaming and was inconsolable for over 45 minutes. BZ gave him Tylenol and he passed out immediately. Its not the first time. I wonder if its a physical or an emotional thing? Is it night fright? Is it "where the hell is mommy?" Again, the guilt. Shit. Yesterday, I went running (for the first time in years) and it made me feel so much better for about an hour. Perhaps, I should run again. Or sleep. Or eat. Or not be alone. Or be alone.

If you are better at prayer than I, can you say a prayer or at least send good positive thoughts of health and strength and love for young M and his family?

Thank you. I will keep you posted and, will hopefully be a bit more positive my next rant, er, blog.