Saturday, June 30, 2007



Calcium that builds up in the tissues of the breast. It looks like grains of salt and can be seen on a mammogram. It cannot be found by touch.

My postcard from Kaiser said they found "an area we believe is benign. We recommend getting checked in 12 months for a follow up."

I am now just a bit worried. Its treated so casually.

Calcifications are tiny flecks of calcium—like grains of salt—in the soft tissue of the breast that can sometimes indicate the presence of an early breast cancer. Calcifications usually can't be felt, but they appear on a mammogram. Depending on how they're clustered and their shape, size, and number, your doctor may want to do further tests. Big calcifications— "macrocalcifications"—are usually not associated with cancer. Groups of small calcifications huddled together, called "clusters of microcalcifications," are associated with extra breast cell activity. Most of the time this is non-cancerous extra cell growth, but sometimes clusters of microcalcifications can occur in areas of early cancer.

Its not likely to be cancer but still, it is stuck in my head. I know its a waste of worry but there it is. I am now having a million anxiety dreams, none having to do with cancer. Most having to do with bad things happening to small children who I can't protect from life. Most of the scenarios are unbelievably unrealistic. Still I get very anxious.

More anxious than being on the Glass Bottom boat.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Big Island

We arrived on a Saturday evening. We were Lei'd in the airport.

Even the pool at the condo was beautiful. Ah, Hawaii. We have now, really arrived.

Toward the end of the trip, I was desperate to provide some activity or adventure for Max to really remember. We couldn't do the lava thing, we couldn't do the volcano, and the submarine and the helicopter seemed out of the question. I bought tickets to ride the glass bottom boat. 55 minutes at the coral reef looking at beautiful fish and sea turtles. Cool.

So, the thing is, I get sea sick. I can get sea sick in a bathtub. I am proud to say, I did not hurl. It was close.

The Hilton property was beautiful. This was not a roughing-it kind of vacation. The lava rock was the backdrop, the palm trees were front and center.

We did not see any live volcanoes. Max and I were disappointed about that. Apparently, there were a few earthquakes the week before we arrived which made all the volcanic activity go dormant while we were there. And, you can't really bring kids on the hikes and activities that are lava/volcano related-not too easy or safe. Maybe next time. Maybe a bit of baking soda in the middle of a paper mache volcano. Awesome.
Wish we saw this. Didn't.
This would have been cool. Happened before we arrived.

When we got home. Max was sad. He told me he would like to live in Hawaii. It would be a good place to live. I agreed. He said he missed being with Caleb, his cousin. He also missed the shiny kitchen floor, it was really nice. He said. Next time he wants to go back and ride in a helicopter to see the volcanoes.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Henry Ford Museum

Last night we went on a field trip to the Henry Ford Museum. Before rolling your eyes, check out some of the sights. If you like old cars, trains, bikes...its very cool. There is also an exhibit called Cars and Guitars. I'm not kidding. This featured rock stars and their favorite ...well, cars and guitars. Quite fun.

Strangely, they had a bus and exhibit celebrating Rosa Parks and the Montgomery boycott. The exhibit was great but it seemed like an odd thing for the museum. There was also a women's rights exhibit, showing the history of the suffragette movement with Alice Paul and friends. Odd.

One more day and I go home. This is a relief. Its hard to be away from the kids. I get to speak with BZ on the phone, but the little ones are difficult to have a conversation with. Max tells me things that I can't quite understand over the phone since he's half talking to me and half trying to watch a movie, so whatever he's saying doesn't really make sense. Although last night he announced during the call that he felt his pee pee coming - so by phone, I joined him for the event. I actually heard him pee. I don't think he flushed or put the seat down BUT he still got a sticker I'm guessing.

And Aiden, well I can speak to him and he can babble back but that is not enough. Aiden is having a bit of a hard time as evidenced by his clingy behavior when I am gone. He's probably fine BUT, I hate being away and causing any emotional turmoil, worry, fear, anxiety.

Its a dilemma professionally for me. I don't want to be limited in what I can or cannot do for work but I also don't want to screw up the family, that is supposed to come first. It wasn't an issue last year for me. Clearly my priority was family and the work supplemented that. It has changed now that I am starting to want work challenge again. Does that make me a bad person? A selfish one? I don't mean to say that I want work to come first, I just don't know how to do both well.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Big D to Big Island

Believe it or not, I am at one of the nicest hotels I have ever been to. I'm at the Westin in Detroit Metro Airport. Yes, its attached to the airport. You can go through security to go grab a bite to eat. Really.

The rooms are beautiful, Everything is remodeled with modern dark wood furniture and cream colored walls and lamps, the carpets are actually attractive (amazing in a hotel). And the service is good too.

So, even though I happen to be in Detroit, and even though I have to sit through long days of meetings and evenings of "forced fun," its a very nice venue. Surprise.

The bed is very comfy. I slept through the night, all the way through the night, for the first time in months. That is cool. Very cool. Oh, right, no kids here. Hmmm.

On Saturday, we are off to Hawaii. Quick turn around, bad jet lag, but Hawaii. Bring it on.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Mommy I'm frustrated


Mommy, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated because, because, because I can't make the world nicer. I can't make everyone nicer. That is why I am frustrated.

I'm also frustrated because my head's not screwed on right.


Hahahahahha. Where did you hear that?


I'm just kidding mommy. Hehehehehehe.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Hairy legs and all

It was crazy hot today. I love the summer. I love the heat. It was hot. I was dressed for work, stuck in traffic, not enjoying the weather. When I got home I quickly changed into shorts and a shirt. What a relief. Within half an hour, I was back in the car to go pick up the boys.

On the road, I suddenly realized that perhaps I should have done a clothing check before leaving the house. I had put on some shortish shorts with sandals but hadn't considered my unshaven upper legs. I joke about my Russian peasant stock hair but this was no laughing matter. Not only that, I still had marks above my ankles from my too-tight work socks. A nice look.

I decided that this is one of those "must be a mom" moments. No way out. As long as I don't look down at my legs, perhaps no one else will. A mom can dream.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Sleepy eyes

I am sleepy. I am on day 3 of this marathon week. Tonight I have another focus group. There just isn't enough coffee to stop my yawning, which, is embarrassing at meetings.

My desk is piled high with muck...must be cleaned up before going to Detroit. Ack, Detroit. At least we get to stay at an airport hotel.

I find it hard to work when the weather is so beautiful outside. I mean, beautiful. I remember high school in May and June was unbearable. No one could concentrate. We all just wanted to get outdoors. That's how it is right now. Well, actually, I dream first of a straight eight hours of sleep, and then, the great a lounger chair, passed out.

One of my big projects that I guess I could do while traveling, is to get my calendar, date book, etc all cleaned up and ready for the big migration over to Iphone. Yay. I am very excited. Perhaps all hype BUT, I am still very excited. I will check it out first and make sure it makes sense practically speaking but man-o-man, it is so cool. I WANT IT. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I must control these techno urges. I will try to not go out at 6pm on June 29th (release date/time) to buy one of these new fangled things. I will instead, check out all the specs, speak to someone in a store over the weekend or on the Monday after. My dad was shocked when I bought my first car at 25 yrs old (not so recent) and it was a 4-door sedan (Toyota Corolla). He was sure I'd get a sporty cool single person car. Instead, I went practical, which, I continue to do with that sort of thing. Very boring and conservative of me. But the Iphone!!!! Dang.

Monday, June 11, 2007

No more time

I miss my daily blogging. I have over scheduled the week and have left no time to think, catch up or play. I've had to leave the house early, come home late...each day this week is 12-14 hours away. I don't know why I let that happen.

Its 11pm. It sounds like the fridge is making ice cubes. Here's the thing. Our fridge doesn't make ice cubes so I
have no idea what is happening inside that thing. I'm kind of scared to look. That's how tired I am. Paranoia is setting in.

I need to go make a list of all the things I need to get done tomorrow. I will never remember. I can't believe that I saw Aiden for only 5 minutes today. The whole day-5 minutes. And Max for about 6 minutes. That's not cool. Okay. I must go write out a list of things not to forget so I don't forget. And then I must say my anti-grind teeth affirmation, " I am calm and peaceful." Hahahahahahhahahahahah. Whew.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Yes but what does it mean?

A blog (short for web log) is a website where entries are written in chronological order and displayed in reverse chronological order.

Blogs provide commentary or news on a particular subject such as food, politics, or local news; some function as more personal online diaries. A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, web pages, and other media related to its topic. The ability for readers to leave comments in an interactive format is an important part of many blogs.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Oakland A's

We had tickets tonight for the Oakland A's, our new home team. But we could not find a sitter for the boys. We almost went anyway, with the two lads but then balked at the idea of getting into the stadium and 20 minutes later having to leave for some kid related issue. Max hates loud noises (i.e. large groups cheering and clapping) and Aiden gets bored after 3 minutes of anything unless it involves something dangerous.

I hate waste, especially since the tickets were pretty good seats and they were given to us. So I also felt guilty not going since someone else could have gone. We taped the tickets on our neighbors' door (they are fans) and wrote, "Hurry, the game is right now" on the outside of the envelope. In fact, one of the two actually got to go along with one of the couple next door. I am very relieved.

We took the boys out to eat for our "date night." We had burgers, they had fries. We all had gelato. Mmmm. Not such a bad double date after all.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Postcards from the Edge

These are all courtesy of Lise, who graciously shared from her stash of silly email postcards. I don't actually know if she has a "stash" or would refer to them as a "stash," but still, she sent them to me and I felt the need to post immediately. Just because.

It probably would have been better form to post family pictures or pictures of the studio being built or reflections of a 40-something woman who parents young children. Clearly, I took another path. Its late, late for a 40-something mother of small children who aren't quite clear on the concept of night sleeping. By night sleeping I mean the kind of sleep one does at night time vs. napping in the middle of the day, or passing out in the car in the middle of the day. Night sleeping is useful not only to the child but to the parents of those children. Parents get irritable and short tempered when they don't get sleep themselves or when their evening gets trashed by a young non-believer in bedtimes. This can lead, in extreme cases, to late night, or not so late night, blogs.

A strange day

Aiden slept for 4 hours at nap time. I was worried but assured that he was still breathing and not ill.

I have an odd bump on my forehead that I am sure everyone can see. It hurts when I touch it. I can hardly see it in the mirror but it seems like a golf ball when I prod around. Ow.

My colleague checked into a hotel/B&B last night and I helped her to her room. The room was truly a dump in pepto pink. The carpet was stained and ripped, the baseboards were really dirty, and it just looked UNCLEAN. When we complained, the guy behind the front desk said, "Didn't you know that the building is from 1896? Its old."

I am back to being in a relatively good mood. Tired but happy in Shangri La ( correct spelling).

Monday, June 4, 2007

The beauty of sleep

I dream of the day that I can really sleep again. I mean really sleep. Like a child. I am used to being tired. So used to it that I sometimes don't even know how tired I am until I do something stupid or I am excessively grumpy and even I can hear it while the words or whine is coming out of my mouth and I don't have the energy to stop or even edit what I say.

The answer today is coffee and the great outdoors. Even exhausted, I love to be in the woods and trees and fresh air. It feels like a win. Like a little break in the action of all the logistics of the day. My cell phone usually doesn't work on a hike. I really need to turn that thing off.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Late at night

Its pretty late at night. I just got home from babysitting Lola and Nico. They are part of my babysitting co-op. Great concept and a life saver for us...I don't always want to do the babysitting tho'. I really like this family so it wasn't so bad. It's kind of cool to get a glimpse in at how different parents survive parenthood. I also get to watch TV.

My favorite babysitting TV is HGTV. I watch all these different room makeovers and get great ideas. Room on a dime, room on $50, Sell That House! Its all fantastic. The only problem tonight was that the house I was at had a couch with an extremely low back, so I couldn't really get a comfy position for watching TV.

I will eventually catch up on all the hours we owe to the co-op and in the meantime, I might learn enough about home improvement to really do some damage.

Saturday, June 2, 2007


Aiden has been crying or whining most of the last few days. Perhaps he is sick again. I just don't want to spend the day at Kaiser. Maybe he is just bored. We are going to the park in a bit, perhaps that will perk him up. We are going to Roberts Park in Oakland. I have to admit, I have been a bit grumpy myself lately and that probably has a huge impact on the little tike.

I just got this new anti-aging cleanser, creme, etc pack to turn back the lines of time. I thought I would experiement with different products. Give each a shot at changing my age lines a bit. It can't hurt really. At worst, my skin will be washed and moisturized. At best, I will look less craggy.