Sunday, December 23, 2012

Eve of Christmas Eve

I was supposed to run this morning so I got all dressed in my wet weather running gear. And then looked out the window and decided I'd be more comfortable not running.

So I sit at my computer instead. It seems Facebook has gotten in the way of my blogging. In fact, replaced it. Which is disappointing given that Facebook is so in the moment vs. the blog which is slightly more reflective.

A few things I don't post about on Facebook...

1. A friend is ill, it scares the shit out of me. Life is so fragile. I have little control.

2. I lost my job but was excited about it. Perhaps that's stupid but I saw it as a way out, a test of sorts, a chance to prove myself that I really could re-invent myself.

3. Got re-hired but for a brand-new  position--jury is out on this except it makes me a bit sad, if not relieved. So much for re-invention. For now.

4. Wondering about my place on this planet, in my relationship, with my family. What does fulfilling look like? Really, that is the question. I am so unclear on what it is I am looking for, striving for and wishing for.

5. Fear of aging. Yes I run, I've got "energy" and all that...but I see the signs of age on my face and body. I notice fears that I didn't have before, I now hate night driving and my eyesight is going. Did I mention that my memory is kind of crap? I can joke about it but I also fear it...and hate it. Must come to terms with my age before 50 so I am not pathetic and start wearing lots of spandex.

6. I really miss my parents. Really. None of us are getting any younger and given my own fear of aging, I fear their aging as well. Its all part of the "cycle of life" but as I mentioned before, I still resist accepting it. I hate how busy they are and how busy I am...a terrible excuse to not see each other.

7. Saving the world...needs some focus. Where are my passions and skills (and time) best spent? I can't quite figure out how to connect my volunteer work with my income...maybe I don't?

New Year's Resolution(s)....find peace. Stay healthy. Be in the moment (this is not the easiest for me). Spend more time with my family. Make time for connection. Take a Facebook break at least once a week (is it possible?).  Re-kindle my outside voice. 

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